Transcreature

transcreature:

I am standing at the edge, with my feet getting used to the cool touch of water. The land behind me is no longer my home, but just my past. Everything I have is carried on my back. The path I’ve chosen, or perhaps has been chosen for me lead me to here. I can’t see the other side of the river clearly, but I know I need to go there. On the other side I imagine peace, that I will be nourished by the earth, that I will find love in myself. 

I start to wade deeper into the great water, feeling the cold slither up my skin. As it wraps around my chest, my breath quickens into small spurts. I am anxious about whether I will make it. I grab hold of the straps of my pack and remind myself to keep breathing and continue with diligence. I feel the current pushing against me, testing my balance. The rocky bottom of the great water falls deeper and I notice my toes straining to find footing. I have to trust myself to swim at this point, immerse my body in the currents and get to the other side. 

I turn back. 

I go back to the shore and take one last look at where I’ve come from. It will not be easy to return here, it will never be the same. I kneel and thank the land for all that is has given me and recognize that there is no place here left for me. I slip the pack from off of my back and realize that I cannot cross with all the baggage that I have. 

I reach deeply into the bag and take out some old friendships and lovers, admire them for their beauty,  and then let them float gently down the Great Water. The important ones I bury, I give them to the land. I peel off my name from the skin of my back, and try to bandage it with another, but the wound will still remain for some time. I empty dreams from my head as well as doubts and fears, for they will not help me. I will need the room to grow new hopes. I reach into my chest and pull out old identities which will no longer serve me, and kiss them deeply and gently let them dissolve away. 

I stand naked before the Great Water now. More than naked, I am empty. Again submerge my feet. I look down at my reflection in the water. I look at him with all the love and respect I can gather and gently reach down and pull him up out of the water. I whisper in his ear. I need you to go away now, but return back to me when I am ready. When we have made it. Thank you for everything you have given me. 

I ask my heart if I am now ready to cross, and I receive an assuring beat of excitement. I search for the nostalgic ache and find that it is gone. I feel lighter now, my skin brushes smoothly against the water as I begin to enter. My breath stays constant and strong. I wonder if I can now see the other side now that I no longer feel weighted down. I think I may catch a glimpse but it gets obscured by a wave. The current pushes against me and this time I let it take my body. I do not resist. I take one last deep breath and begin the treacherous swim across.